BOULDER, CO — Local golden retriever Winston Barkley bravely sprinted across the house in an effort to save his mom from the horrifying ordeal of using the bathroom alone.
Despite being dead asleep on the couch and dreaming about rotisserie chicken, Winston suddenly sensed his human was in immediate danger of experiencing privacy.
“Not on my watch,” thought Winston as he launched off the cushions and thundered down the hallway. “Poor human. Going potty with no one staring intensely into their soul. What if they fall in? What if the toilet attacks? What if they need emotional support? HOLD ON. I’M COMING.”
According to sources, Winston has made it his personal mission to ensure his owner never faces any bathroom-related activity without supervision. Friends say he’s been this way ever since he was rescued from a local animal shelter and immediately bonded to his new mom, deciding that her safety and her bathroom privacy were now his full-time responsibility.
“He’s just so thoughtful,” reported Winston’s mom, visibly exhausted. “He’ll be in a deep sleep, but the second I stand up and walk toward the bathroom, he’s instantly awake like he’s been training for this moment his whole life.”
Witnesses say Winston will wedge himself directly between his mom’s legs and the door, forcing entry with the confidence of a dog who pays rent and owns the house.
“He doesn’t even want anything,” said Mom. “He just… needs to be there. He’ll stare at me like I’m doing something illegal. Sometimes he sighs like I’m inconveniencing him.”
Common Dog Behavior
Experts confirm this behavior is common among dogs who believe their humans are incapable of handling basic tasks unsupervised. “In the canine mind, a closed door is a cry for help,” said one local veterinarian. “They assume something catastrophic is happening, and their presence will solve it.”
Some researchers also believe dogs follow their owners to the bathroom because they are deeply bonded and instinctively want to stay close at all times. Others point out the simpler explanation: dogs are professional nosy little weirdos who consider personal space a suspicious human concept. “Your dog doesn’t think you’re doing anything private,” explained the veterinarian. “They think you’re leaving the pack, entering a small echo chamber, and potentially producing snacks. They’re just trying to be supportive… and also gather intel.”
Sources close to Winston say he has also begun performing “bathroom perimeter checks,” circling the doorway twice before settling into a guard position. In several cases, Winston has reportedly pushed the door open slowly, just to make sure his human hasn’t vanished into the shadow realm.
At the time of publication, Winston was seen pushing the bathroom door open with his nose to prevent his mom from attempting the unthinkable: going “number two” without an audience.
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