There’s something about pit bulls that makes you think, if they had thumbs and phones, we’d never get a moment’s peace. Loyal, goofy, and shamelessly food obsessed, their texts would be a mix of love notes, complaints, and suspicious silence. Here’s what your pit bull would probably fire off to you today.
1. “So… when are we eating again?”
Breakfast was two hours ago, which in pit bull time means it was decades ago. They’re positive their stomach just touched their spine and they’re not above reminding you every ten minutes until a kibble drops.
2. “The mailman is here. Again. Suspicious.”
Yes, he comes every day. No, your pit bull doesn’t trust him. Every bark is basically a text message in all caps: “I SAVED YOUR LIFE. AGAIN. YOU’RE WELCOME.”
3. “I licked the couch. Don’t ask why.”
Pit bulls live by a simple philosophy: if you can lick it, you probably should. The couch, the floor, your socks… none are safe. Consider this text an oddly specific confession.
4. “Did you hear that noise? I’ll protect you.”
Was it a leaf brushing the window? A squirrel sneezing? Doesn’t matter. Your pit bull is ready to throw themselves into full guard dog mode for you. Heroic, but also slightly paranoid.
5. “I sat on your lap. You’re welcome.”
Your pit bull has no concept of their size. If they fit (and even if they don’t) they sit. That text would come right before 70 pounds of “lap dog” settles on you like it’s their birthright.
6. “You dropped food. It’s mine now.”
Every pit bull has Olympic level reflexes when it comes to snacks hitting the floor. That text would be delivered with crumbs on their chin and zero guilt.
7. “I love you. Like, really love you. Forever.”
Between the silliness and the snack requests, your pit bull’s main message is love. They’d tell you at least fifty times a day if they could type. And honestly? You’d never get tired of it.
If pit bulls could text, your phone would be buzzing nonstop with food demands, heroic warnings, and pure affection. But that’s exactly why we love them, because behind every silly “message” is a dog who’s just trying to make sure you know how much you mean to them.
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